Last week I finished reading an amazing book called Quiet by Susan Cain. The book highlights how American society (Cain is an American and is therefore writing about American culture) is so focused on the Extrovert Ideal that the power and need of introverts had been forgotten. She goes on to discuss stories and scientific research showing how introverts are amazing contributors to art, teaching, science, and much more. However, it can be hard for introverts at this moment in time, as people have become so enchanted with the notion that extroversion is the best and only way to be successful in life, when that is simply not true.
I am an introvert, maybe closer to an ambivert, someone who has characteristics of both introverts and extroverts, but on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, I’m certainly closer to the introvert end of things. If you’ve met me in real life, you may think I’m joking. I tend to be pretty outgoing, I like to laugh and make people laugh, and public speaking doesn’t scare me to death (anymore). But after reading Quiet I have come to understand that often times introverts develop a personality they use when interacting with the “outside” world.
If you had met me as a child, you would have billed me an introvert in a heartbeat. I was shy. My teachers would complain that I didn’t interact with everyone and only had one or two close friends. I loved to read. One-on-one play dates were fun, but I noticed a shift in the dynamics when more children joined the group which usually ended up in me getting bullied or left out. Being a child was really awful in some ways. I am always thankful for the support of my parents who were very loving and did their very best to help me get through the god-awful school years. They were my sanctuary from the world. As were my books – no matter what sort of day I had at school, my books were always waiting for me at home. They were the ultimate friends and companions.
High school was part hell, part heaven. I attended three different high schools, one in India, one in New Jersey, and one in Arizona. It really didn’t matter what country I was in: high school was an awful part of my life that I am happy to be done with. My one saving grace through those years was choir. I love to sing. The first choir I joined voluntarily was my Church choir in India, even though I was terrified of singing in front of the entire congregation. Later, I joined my high school choir and it was simply amazing! Let me clarify – singing in the choir was amazing, dealing with other people in choir made me want to hide under my sheet music. But somewhere along the way, I learned that if I talked to people a bit more and opened up just a tiny bit, they didn’t see me as the uptight, aloof girl who only had two friends.
Before I knew it, I was in college. I started out as pre-med, but my refuge again, was choir. College was difficult in different ways than high school, but the best thing about it, was that I could avoid the mean girls much easier. I made the conscious decision that I DID NOT need to be friends with people who treated me like garbage. I am happy to report that my life has been much better as a result of this decision.
Sometime during my undergraduate years, I learned to smile. I know that sounds silly, but I somehow stumbled across the fact that when I smile, I feel better about myself, and those around me respond positively as well. I’m sure there have been scientific studies done on smiling, but at that point in my life, it was news to me. People actually seemed to like me more when I smiled, which at first made me suspicious, but then I realized, that I probably just seemed more likeable when smiling than not. I never felt like a phony, to borrow a phrase from Holden Caulfield, for smiling more because it just felt so lovely! Why hadn’t I realized this before?!
I then moved on to graduate school, which meant: teaching assistantships. I had some experience with presentations before graduate school; however, they weren’t very comfortable for me, even though I had rehearsed enough so that my audience thought I did well. Teaching a room full of undergraduates is a much different proposition. They are like sharks – even just a hint of blood in the water and your classroom turns into a feeding frenzy for the rest of the semester, with you as the meal. The most important thing I learned in my three years of teaching is that you must establish yourself as the leader for at least a full week. Once it is burned into their brains that you are in charge, even though you’re still a student yourself, you can usually handle their petty complaints and they won’t try to instigate a coup. Handling undergraduates is indeed similar to political and military strategy. If you think I’m over-exaggerating, then I’m sorry to say that I’m not! For me, finding the delicate balance between establishing law and order and being open and approachable was incredibly difficult. As a student who came from an Indian culture of respecting your teachers, I never had a problem with my TA’s or professors because I always afforded them the respect they deserved, even when they weren’t good at their job or I didn’t like them. That’s not how it works with a lot of American students and thankfully, I quickly learned how to take control of my classroom, but still be easy-going when things were going smoothly. However, I’m not the kind of teacher you want to trifle with when you are being disruptive, disrespectful, or dilatory.
I will never ever teach again, for numerous reasons, but I did learn some useful skills from my time as a teaching assistant. I learned how to project confidence, even when I was nervous. I learned how to handle the worst kinds of students, who probably go on to be some of the worst kinds of employees. I learned that being genuine is important, even when others would say deception is easier, or better. I don’t trick people into thinking I’m an extrovert. I show them a part of my personality that allows me to navigate through school and work with success without betraying my true nature. I can achieve this feat and not burn out by building lots of downtime into my life. My perfect Friday night is staying home with my husband and watching a movie, playing a board game, or reading in each other’s company. My perfect Saturday night is the same, with the occasional movie or dinner out. I love my close friends. They bring so much joy and depth to my life. However, in order for me to be a good friend, I also need to have that downtime away from them in order to recharge and center myself. It makes the times we hang out together that much more special and meaningful.
I have also learned to turn off the Noise. Cain’s book especially helped remind me that I need to do this in order to be at peace within myself, to be a better wife, to be a better daughter, to be a better friend, and to be a better employee and member of society. I realize I am speaking from a collectivistic perspective; however that is how I was brought up, and it is a part of me. Noise comes in different forms for me. One of the biggest sources of Noise is Facebook. It is an endless stream of Noise! On the one hand I am able to keep up with friends and their lives, but on the other, it is just deafening Noise! It drives me insane. I now institute a Facebook blackout for myself every weekend. I don’t check Facebook nor do I post on Facebook on the weekends. I even try to limit my Facebook usage during the week. I cannot tell you how much it has helped my peace of mind!
Another way to reduce the Noise in my life has been to keep a journal. My blog is not my journal. It is related, but my journal is the place I turn to when there are too many things, both good and bad, happening at once. When I write down what I’m experiencing in my life, it allows me to analyze it from a somewhat objective perspective. I can then make better decisions or in other cases, I feel freed from tension, anxiety, or sadness when I put it down on paper. Other times I journal because writing about my life on a somewhat regular basis helps to keep the chaos at bay. I honestly don’t know how to explain that one. Maybe if too many things get stuck in my head they get jumbled up and writing them down helps keeps things in order? If this is something that you can relate to, I’d love to hear about it!
I have also gone back to listening to classical music during my commute to and from work. In Arizona we have KBAQ as our local classical station and it is quite delightful! Classical music has a quality that allows me to think deeply about a particular situation or simply be silent and centered, depending on what I need at that moment. I do listen to other stations too; however, if I need to be still or need to think, KBAQ is the station for me!
My friend and housemate actually helped me with this next one: I have started reading more often. For a while my life was consumed by the Noise of the internet (see the links under Tools of Procrastination, in the right-hand sidebar for a sampling of nonsense), especially that of Facebook. I hadn’t realized how much I missed reading for extended periods of time! I have also noticed a shift in what I read. When I was still in school, I sought out fiction – I wanted to take a brain-vacation to somewhere that was anywhere but school. Now that I have been out of school for a good while, my brain isn’t being overly taxed by school and I can actually read non-fiction to learn new things and happily delve into new subjects of interest.
All-in-all, I feel like I am reclaiming my sense of being an introvert and using it to help me be my best self. I am still gregarious at work and talk up a storm with my friends, but I also revel in the quiet moments and the times of solitude. I am now more fully myself, than I have ever been and it makes me extremely happy! One thing that Cain also mentions in her book is that sometimes an introvert will marry an extrovert. If I am a 70:30 introvert to extrovert, then my husband is closer to 90:10. We are well matched on the introvert/ extrovert scale and I am happy to be with someone who also an introvert. I know it would be too stressful for me to be with an extrovert, but that is not always the case for everyone. We all have to find what brings us the most joy and I have thankfully been able to find the people who make my life joyful!
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