Why, indeed?

I recently found out that my brother-in-law, C.J.E., is going to have his first biological child. His wife, A.C.E., already had a daughter, S., with another man when they met and he now regards her as his own, but this will be his first biological child. He’s a computer programmer and works from home while taking care of his wife and his step-daughter. His life in now… full, in the sense that he never has a free moment for himself. His wife doesn’t work from home or otherwise, and he feels it’s his duty to everything for the both of them.

I saw an article the other day called Why Have Kids?. It basically brings up a very valid point of how people seldom seem to think of reasons why they should have children. An excerpt:

“Whenever I hear that a friend has begun the trying process of trying, or is considering attempting what I like to call The Ultimate Vanity Project, I often follow up by asking them, “Why?” If they were going to adopt a rescued greyhound, trade in their Prius for an S.U.V., or even ponder a bright colored accent wall in their living room, they’d be expected have some sort of well-sorted grounds for taking action. But the response to this line of inquiry is often nothing more than a blank stare.”

I often think that the majority of people never ask this question before having children and yet are completely flummoxed when asked. Yes, sometimes you’ll hear a weak canned answer as the article points out and mentions some of them. But the responses are typically ridiculous! Seemingly intelligent people will give you the stupidest answers in response to this question. Once I got, “I wanted to conduct my own experiment of what it would be like to have a baby” from a friend, T.M., who worked in an academic research lab and is now getting her Master’s in education. She said it in jest, but honestly, I don’t think she’s ever properly answered the question. She’s just “always wanted a baby” according to a mutual friend.

Yet, when I tell someone that I’m Childfree (CF), they expect me to explain myself and then will go on to disregard my reasons. Now, I must mention that my reasons for being Childfree may not be the same as another CF person, but that does not make them any less valid.

Like a lot of women, I grew up thinking that one day I will get married and have children. However when I did finally grow up, I realized that I still wanted to get married, but I had no desire to procreate. It took me the better part of three years of thinking about how my life would change with children, how my relationship with my husband would change with the stress of parenting, and how my career, my friendships, my hobbies, would be affected by having children. I also thought about what kind of a parent I would be and I know that I would be a great parent… but only about 25% of the time. The rest of the time I’d be a stressed out mess and that would not be fair to my offspring. The most overwhelming reason why I decided not to have children is: I don’t want children. Period. That’s it, no fancy explanations. I simply don’t want kids!

That may be really hard for some people to understand, but that’s how I feel. And I can’t even begin to tell you how rude it is when people think it is ok to question my decision. For instance, I met a woman at my brother-in-law’s wedding and had been speaking to her for all of three minutes when she asks me when my husband and I are going to have children. I responded that we weren’t having any and she promptly went about telling me why I would change my mind. Three minutes. That’s how long I’d been making idle chitchat with her and she suddenly knows that I’m going to change my mind about a decision I literally spent years thinking about? Right.

Firstly, having children is a decision. Yes, it is possible to decide not to have children. It’s not my problem that it never occurred to someone that they had a choice in the matter. Secondly, the decision to procreate is a personal one and as such contradicting a person’s personal wishes is downright rude! It’s not your place to tell me I should have children, just as I would never tell someone else that the y shouldn’t have children! Why is this such a difficult concept?!

It is so frustrating and rude when a person thinks it’s ok to challenge your life choices when you came to those choices by a lot of thought and introspection. I mean, that’s what adults are supposed to do: make sensible life choices!

To Acquire a New Shirt

Today was quite an eventful day. My last living grandparent died this afternoon. I never thought my first blog post would be about death of a loved one, but there you have it.

Needless to say, I’m saddened by his death. However, he was in very bad health, so his passing is a relief. At least he is now free of pain and hopefully his soul has moved onto a new life. I had last seen my grandfather 14 years ago. That’s how long it has been since I was last in India. I was hoping to go back to visit with my husband so that my grandfather could meet him. But I guess that was not meant to be. His funeral is later today in India, so we won’t be attending.

I’m also saddened by the fact that I’ll never get to sit and chat with him and get to know him as an adult. I only remember him from when I was a child. My grandfather was an extremely intelligent man. He graduated from one of the best colleges in Bombay at a time when not everyone even got to go to college. I wanted to ask him about so many things. But I shall never have the opportunity now. He has gone on “to acquire a new shirt,” as my Dad said. I hope his next life is blessed and peaceful.

Do you remember when you first became aware of your mortality? I think I was about 11, maybe 12, when I realized, I mean, fully realized that one day my parents were going to die. I was terrified! I was scared that I’d be alone. I was scared that I would have no one to take care of me. It was not a pleasant experience.

Sometimes that sense of how short life is really takes hold of me. At those times I want to tell everyone I love how much they mean to me. I feel like eating chocolate, kissing my kitties and the dog, and holding my husband close to me. I feel like running, hard and fast, to make sure I feel properly alive. Exercise and physical exertion seem to help ease these feelings. There’s nothing quite like feeling the blood rush through your arteries to help you remember that you’re still alive and to stop freaking out!

I seem to remember also, that I’m getting older by the growing number of people I know who have passed away. About two years ago I found out that a friend, N.A.S., who had worked in the same lab as I did during my undergraduate years had committed suicide. He was only a few years younger than me at the time. Hearing about his death really shook me to the core. He had told me about how he was mugged in Spain while on vacation. The attackers had left him for dead. His back was so badly injured after the brutal assault that he suffered from chronic pain. The pain was so debilitating and his doctors had tried everything but couldn’t lessen it. Even multiple surgeries didn’t bring him any relief. He finally couldn’t live with the pain anymore and ended his life. N.A.S. was a really good person. He was funny, smart and handsome. He will be missed.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.