A Glorious Arizona Springtime

Spring is here! Woo hoo! This year I am especially excited about spring. When we moved into our new home last fall, we planted a boat load of plants in the front garden and I have been waiting all winter to see them come out of dormancy this spring. And boy did they ever!

It wasn’t always this way. In our first home we tried to do too much at once to the yard. Needless to say it ended in utter failure. With our current home, I made a promise to myself that we would take it easy with the gardening and only start projects that we could finish within a short, set period of time. The front garden had some sad looking ever green bushes and lantana when we moved in. Unfortunately they didn’t fit into our vision of the front yard.

We wanted a garden bursting with flowers. So every single one of the plants we put in produces flowers and most of them attract hummingbirds, bees, and/or butterflies. The problem of course, is that we live in the desert. So we chose plants that were quite xeric and heat tolerant. The Arizona heat is not really comparable to the heat experienced, say on the East Coast. Our heat is dry. It literally feels like you are a Thanksgiving turkey and have been placed inside an oven when you walk outside to 115o F (46o C). Even when some plants claim to be able to withstand full sun, they most often will not survive the Arizona sun, even with heavy watering. With this in mind we made sure to get heat loving, water wise plants.

Unfortunately, my husband and I have a great talent for killing plants. I shan’t list the number of trees, bushes, and herbs we have killed so far, but let me assure you that the list is quite long! One of our great deficits when it comes to keeping plants alive is forgetting to water them as needed for each plant. Part of the resulting mayhem at our old house was due to us ripping out the irrigation system because we were going to put in multiple garden beds and oh, it was going to be glorious. And it would have been had we taken it one step at a time.

We also have an irrigation system set up in our new house. However, this time, we planned ahead and put in additional drip lines so that each plant has its own drip since we were adding so many new plants. Recently, we came to find out there may be a short in the irrigation system! So we have to get someone out here pretty soon to get it fixed! In the meantime we are trying to be good about remembering to water the front garden at least three times a week, as it has been warming up nicely. I’m trying to use all the pretty flowers I’m seeing as motivation to remind me to water. Wish me luck.

Here are some pictures of some of the plants from the front yard:

This is our baby Orchid Beauty Butterfly Bush. It’s tiny right now, but it’s going to grow into a huge bush eventually. I can’t wait to see how much it grows this summer.




We have two Blanche Sandman Honeysuckle Vines. We are going to train them up the pillar in the front of the house.




The Snow in Summer has the cutest little flowers!




This Salvia Ultra Violet is already attracting hummingbirds! I love these pretty little flowers.




This Dianthus gratianopolitanus Firewitch actually had one little flower when we received it in the fall and now it has so many new blooms!




I have always loved daisies and so we got some of these Osteospermum Avalanche.



There are many other plants that I haven’t included here as they haven’t started flowering yet, but I have high hopes for them all. I’ll post updates on the garden when things get more exciting as the weather continues to warm.


Coming up next week: I finished reading The Key by Whitley Strieber this weekend, but I need time to digest the wealth of information in that little book. I will share my thoughts about The Key next week. Stay tuned!

Ye Olden Times

Yesterday we attended the Arizona Renaissance Festival! It was the first time I’ve ever been to the Ren Fest even though I’ve lived in Arizona for over ten years. Oh it was such a blast! Huzzah!

I have to admit it was a bit overwhelming because there was so much to see and so many costumes! Some of the attendees were dressed in amazing costumes. Oh my word! What a sight. I was so amazed I forgot to take pictures. But next year I shall be prepared – I’m going to take a ton more pictures. Sometimes I get a bit shy and feel weird about asking to take pictures with people, even though I’m sure a lot of them wouldn’t mind. Also, I really want to dress up too! Dressing up seems like it’s half the fun. I think I’m going to find a belly dancer/ gypsy costume for next year. I really wanted to do purple, but I wear a ton of purple so I think I may try for my favorite color and go with red. On the whole it was a delightful day in spite of the heat and crowds. It was lovely to get out of the house and do something fun, instead of the usual weekend chores.

Ok! Picture time!

This is one of the poor elephants who were giving rides to people. I know they are taken care of and are also a part of breeding programs but I feel bad about them walking around in circles and lugging people around. Needless to say I didn’t get a ride. But I love elephants, so a got some pictures instead.




Here we were at the last joust of the day – the King, Queen, and their entourage arriving at the arena.




This young woman was our cheer leader for our “bad guy” knight. She was very good at leading us in cheering and was super cute!




The King and Queen came around to wave to us before the main event.




This is Don Julio de ... I can’t quite remember, but he was very handsome and entertaining! Max was another “bad guy” knight who is in the background.




Here is Don Julio getting ready to joust with our cheer lady in the foreground. Unfortunately he didn’t win and was killed on the battlefield by Max. Boo.




A pendant I bought from Renaissance Pewter.




It was so bloody hot the whole day and at the very end of the day I finally found a vendor who was selling these beautiful lace parasols. I decided on the gold one – so pretty!




Tickets and map – what a fun filled day! I can’t wait to go back! Huzzah!!

The Joy of Being an Introvert

Last week I finished reading an amazing book called Quiet by Susan Cain. The book highlights how American society (Cain is an American and is therefore writing about American culture) is so focused on the Extrovert Ideal that the power and need of introverts had been forgotten. She goes on to discuss stories and scientific research showing how introverts are amazing contributors to art, teaching, science, and much more. However, it can be hard for introverts at this moment in time, as people have become so enchanted with the notion that extroversion is the best and only way to be successful in life, when that is simply not true.

I am an introvert, maybe closer to an ambivert, someone who has characteristics of both introverts and extroverts, but on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, I’m certainly closer to the introvert end of things. If you’ve met me in real life, you may think I’m joking. I tend to be pretty outgoing, I like to laugh and make people laugh, and public speaking doesn’t scare me to death (anymore). But after reading Quiet I have come to understand that often times introverts develop a personality they use when interacting with the “outside” world.

If you had met me as a child, you would have billed me an introvert in a heartbeat. I was shy. My teachers would complain that I didn’t interact with everyone and only had one or two close friends. I loved to read. One-on-one play dates were fun, but I noticed a shift in the dynamics when more children joined the group which usually ended up in me getting bullied or left out. Being a child was really awful in some ways. I am always thankful for the support of my parents who were very loving and did their very best to help me get through the god-awful school years. They were my sanctuary from the world. As were my books – no matter what sort of day I had at school, my books were always waiting for me at home. They were the ultimate friends and companions.

High school was part hell, part heaven. I attended three different high schools, one in India, one in New Jersey, and one in Arizona. It really didn’t matter what country I was in: high school was an awful part of my life that I am happy to be done with. My one saving grace through those years was choir. I love to sing. The first choir I joined voluntarily was my Church choir in India, even though I was terrified of singing in front of the entire congregation. Later, I joined my high school choir and it was simply amazing! Let me clarify – singing in the choir was amazing, dealing with other people in choir made me want to hide under my sheet music. But somewhere along the way, I learned that if I talked to people a bit more and opened up just a tiny bit, they didn’t see me as the uptight, aloof girl who only had two friends.

Before I knew it, I was in college. I started out as pre-med, but my refuge again, was choir. College was difficult in different ways than high school, but the best thing about it, was that I could avoid the mean girls much easier. I made the conscious decision that I DID NOT need to be friends with people who treated me like garbage. I am happy to report that my life has been much better as a result of this decision.

Sometime during my undergraduate years, I learned to smile. I know that sounds silly, but I somehow stumbled across the fact that when I smile, I feel better about myself, and those around me respond positively as well. I’m sure there have been scientific studies done on smiling, but at that point in my life, it was news to me. People actually seemed to like me more when I smiled, which at first made me suspicious, but then I realized, that I probably just seemed more likeable when smiling than not. I never felt like a phony, to borrow a phrase from Holden Caulfield, for smiling more because it just felt so lovely! Why hadn’t I realized this before?!

I then moved on to graduate school, which meant: teaching assistantships. I had some experience with presentations before graduate school; however, they weren’t very comfortable for me, even though I had rehearsed enough so that my audience thought I did well. Teaching a room full of undergraduates is a much different proposition. They are like sharks – even just a hint of blood in the water and your classroom turns into a feeding frenzy for the rest of the semester, with you as the meal. The most important thing I learned in my three years of teaching is that you must establish yourself as the leader for at least a full week. Once it is burned into their brains that you are in charge, even though you’re still a student yourself, you can usually handle their petty complaints and they won’t try to instigate a coup. Handling undergraduates is indeed similar to political and military strategy. If you think I’m over-exaggerating, then I’m sorry to say that I’m not! For me, finding the delicate balance between establishing law and order and being open and approachable was incredibly difficult. As a student who came from an Indian culture of respecting your teachers, I never had a problem with my TA’s or professors because I always afforded them the respect they deserved, even when they weren’t good at their job or I didn’t like them. That’s not how it works with a lot of American students and thankfully, I quickly learned how to take control of my classroom, but still be easy-going when things were going smoothly. However, I’m not the kind of teacher you want to trifle with when you are being disruptive, disrespectful, or dilatory.

I will never ever teach again, for numerous reasons, but I did learn some useful skills from my time as a teaching assistant. I learned how to project confidence, even when I was nervous. I learned how to handle the worst kinds of students, who probably go on to be some of the worst kinds of employees. I learned that being genuine is important, even when others would say deception is easier, or better. I don’t trick people into thinking I’m an extrovert. I show them a part of my personality that allows me to navigate through school and work with success without betraying my true nature. I can achieve this feat and not burn out by building lots of downtime into my life. My perfect Friday night is staying home with my husband and watching a movie, playing a board game, or reading in each other’s company. My perfect Saturday night is the same, with the occasional movie or dinner out. I love my close friends. They bring so much joy and depth to my life. However, in order for me to be a good friend, I also need to have that downtime away from them in order to recharge and center myself. It makes the times we hang out together that much more special and meaningful.

I have also learned to turn off the Noise. Cain’s book especially helped remind me that I need to do this in order to be at peace within myself, to be a better wife, to be a better daughter, to be a better friend, and to be a better employee and member of society. I realize I am speaking from a collectivistic perspective; however that is how I was brought up, and it is a part of me. Noise comes in different forms for me. One of the biggest sources of Noise is Facebook. It is an endless stream of Noise! On the one hand I am able to keep up with friends and their lives, but on the other, it is just deafening Noise! It drives me insane. I now institute a Facebook blackout for myself every weekend. I don’t check Facebook nor do I post on Facebook on the weekends. I even try to limit my Facebook usage during the week. I cannot tell you how much it has helped my peace of mind!

Another way to reduce the Noise in my life has been to keep a journal. My blog is not my journal. It is related, but my journal is the place I turn to when there are too many things, both good and bad, happening at once. When I write down what I’m experiencing in my life, it allows me to analyze it from a somewhat objective perspective. I can then make better decisions or in other cases, I feel freed from tension, anxiety, or sadness when I put it down on paper. Other times I journal because writing about my life on a somewhat regular basis helps to keep the chaos at bay. I honestly don’t know how to explain that one. Maybe if too many things get stuck in my head they get jumbled up and writing them down helps keeps things in order? If this is something that you can relate to, I’d love to hear about it!

I have also gone back to listening to classical music during my commute to and from work. In Arizona we have KBAQ as our local classical station and it is quite delightful! Classical music has a quality that allows me to think deeply about a particular situation or simply be silent and centered, depending on what I need at that moment. I do listen to other stations too; however, if I need to be still or need to think, KBAQ is the station for me!

My friend and housemate actually helped me with this next one: I have started reading more often. For a while my life was consumed by the Noise of the internet (see the links under Tools of Procrastination, in the right-hand sidebar for a sampling of nonsense), especially that of Facebook. I hadn’t realized how much I missed reading for extended periods of time! I have also noticed a shift in what I read. When I was still in school, I sought out fiction – I wanted to take a brain-vacation to somewhere that was anywhere but school. Now that I have been out of school for a good while, my brain isn’t being overly taxed by school and I can actually read non-fiction to learn new things and happily delve into new subjects of interest.

All-in-all, I feel like I am reclaiming my sense of being an introvert and using it to help me be my best self. I am still gregarious at work and talk up a storm with my friends, but I also revel in the quiet moments and the times of solitude. I am now more fully myself, than I have ever been and it makes me extremely happy! One thing that Cain also mentions in her book is that sometimes an introvert will marry an extrovert. If I am a 70:30 introvert to extrovert, then my husband is closer to 90:10. We are well matched on the introvert/ extrovert scale and I am happy to be with someone who also an introvert. I know it would be too stressful for me to be with an extrovert, but that is not always the case for everyone. We all have to find what brings us the most joy and I have thankfully been able to find the people who make my life joyful!

New Beginnings - Part 3

Part 1 & Part 2 – in case you missed it.

When I am overweight, not exercising, and eating rubbish, I feel lethargic, tired, and slow, even when I am well rested and fed. When I start working out, the first two weeks are tough because my body is screaming, “What the hell are you doing?!” But once I get into the rhythm of exercising my body adjusts to the new schedule. When I am working out and eating clean on a consistent basis, my body literally feels like it is suffused with energy. I feel alive. There is really no other way to describe how amazing I feel even when I haven’t reached my goal weight. Just by eating clean and exercising, I feel 10 years younger! I would have to use an exorbitant number of exclamation points to truly convey how utterly transformed I feel!

On January 2nd I started working out. Around the 14th I was still feeling tired and I just figured it was because my body was taking a bit longer to adjust. By the 30th I absolutely could not work out any more. My joints hurt and I was tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I got or how much food I ate. I body felt awful! I had no idea what was going on and I was feeling really frustrated because I had started exercising again and should be feeling wonderful! Yet here I was, feeling just as bad as when I wasn’t exercising!

My husband decided to do some research online and found that folks with Hashimoto’s can often times be gluten sensitive. Additionally, gluten sensitivity may also lead to cross-reactivity with dairy. When I started exercising, guess what I had been eating twice a day?

**drum roll**

Protein shakes with WHEY and CASEIN protein!!

I was utterly devastated. I don’t really drink milk other than having it in tea and coffee, but I eat a lot of foods that contain milk, like butter, cheese, and yogurt. This may sound strange but I entered a period of mourning. At least that’s what it felt like to me. I now had to cut out both gluten AND dairy from my diet. There were foods that I grew up on that I could no longer eat. There were foods that I LOVED that would essentially kill me very slowly if I continued to eat them. I was so sad.

However, once I stopped eating dairy twice a day, my energy started to return, I wasn’t tired all the time, and my joints stopped aching for no reason. I had to accept that dairy was best left behind. I still fantasize about cheese danishes, ice cream, and bread rolls from India called gootlie pao (crusty on the outside, soft and spongy on the inside). And butter! How I love butter. (I now use ghee – clarified butter, as a dairy-free substitute.) The cravings are receding as my husband and I explore new paleo recipes (Please see the links on the right-hand sidebar). Sometimes when a mad craving strikes, I think back on how I felt when I was still drinking those protein shakes; the craving typically dies down quickly after that. I am slowly getting to a place where I can appreciate how delicious some foods were and still be glad that I’m making a change for the better without them. It’s not always easy, but listening to my body helps me make these changes because really, I am done with feeling awful.

After January 30th, I took a two week break from exercising. During this time, I cut out all gluten and dairy. We ordered egg whites for me to use in protein shakes. I also made sure I was getting at least 5 small meals and 1-2 snacks a day. When I say small, I mean tiny – my stomach is rather small and I can’t fit a lot in it at once. (Please note: there was no limit to how much chocolate or bread I could fit in my stomach. That was part of the problem!) I was finally getting back on track with my diet of eating clean!

It was around early February that I ran out of one of my medications that control my hives. I decided to try to go without it. The worst that could happen is a swollen lip or puffy eye lid. Typically, when I’m taking my medications, if I’m extremely stressed, that is how my hives will manifest instead of a full body break out. Amazingly, it worked! I have been off Ranitidine since early February without any signs of a break out! (I have to block both H1 and H2 histamine receptors – Ranitidine blocks the second type of histamine receptor which helps fully control my hives.) I am still on Cetirizine; however I’m tempted to go off it over the weekend and see what happens.

So what, you ask, does this have to do with spirituality? Well, as I said I was very interested in Dr. Wesselman’s discussion of how healing the body can also be done in the spiritual realm. I am currently doing everything I possibly can in the physical realm to help my body heal and repair itself. But I don’t want to ignore the possibility that I can help the physical healing with the addition of the spiritual aspect.

For the record, I am a biologist at heart. I have been in love with all things biological from as far back as I can remember. This love of biology propelled me to earn a Master of Science in Biology. However, what strengths I posses in my scientific background, I sorely lack in my spiritual background. Part of the reason for that is my long hiatus from accessing and cultivating my spiritual aspect which led to the previously discussed hole. I have come to realize that my scientific background is not at odds with my need to cultivate my spirituality. In fact, it is complementary to my spiritual awakening.

Going forward, I am putting the negative reactions to spirituality behind me. I have found a new peace in accepting the fact that I need to actively cultivate my spiritual practice and this practice does not detract from my scientific practice. I feel a little silly for not figuring out this simple truth sooner, but I also realize that I came to the place I am now at exactly the right moment in my life.

It is my goal for 2013 to continue to work on the physical needs of my body and to get myself to a more healthy weight (decrease body fat, increase/maintain muscle mass). I want to continue to eat clean and remain gluten and dairy free. I also want to start practicing meditation again. Eventually, I would be thrilled to be able to spiritwalk, but for now, I need to concentrate on making time to practice daily meditation.

2013 is shaping up to be a year of great change – for the better!



**Please note: I am not a medical doctor and I am not dispensing medical advice. I am simply relating my personal experiences with disease, medication, and weight loss. If you have questions and concerns regarding your health, please consult your doctor.**

New Beginnings - Part 2

Part 1 – in case you missed it.

During my two years of intense practice of Tae Kwon Do before I met my husband, I had two very interesting experiences. We would meditate before and after each class. Sometimes it would be for a minute, other times it would be for 5 to 10 minutes, but regardless of length, it was a time for us to center ourselves and focus on the class to come or review what we had learned at the end of class. Oh my word! I never realized how very important those times of meditation were – no matter how brief.

The first experience occurred at the end of class. We had started our meditation and for no particular reason, I focused my intention on the front of the room where our instructor was sitting, also in meditation. Then next thing I was aware of is being at the front of the room and yet I knew I hadn’t moved an inch. The realization that I was outside my body was slightly terrifying since I’d never experienced it before. I then felt a tug at my navel and promptly got pulled back into my body, where I sat in shock until our meditation concluded.

The second experience occurred during a relaxation exercise in class. I was lying on the floor, relaxing each set of muscles, until my body was fully relaxed. As my body started to relax, my mind recalled the previous incident and because of the fright of leaving my body, it felt as if I was floating just above my physical body, but my head was still firmly planted in my body. It was truly one of the strangest feelings! I was still in graduate school at the time and didn’t talk about these experiences. I chalked it up to something that was rather scary and tried not to think about it too much.

My husband introduced me to Whitley Strieber’s Dreamland. Whitley and his wife Anne, are two amazing people who have experienced so much and have been kind enough to share those experiences with the rest of us. I recently started going through and listening to Dreamland from the very first episodes. Certain parts of my job allow me to plug into my iPod and blissfully learn new things while working. I came across an episode from 2004 where Whitley interviewed Dr. Hank Wesselman. Little did I know that this episode of Dreamland would be the first step towards a new beginning in my spiritual journey!

Dr. Wesselman discussed his book The Journey to the Sacred Garden: A Guide to Traveling in the Spiritual Realms on the episode of Dreamland from August 2004. I was very excited to hear him talk about his experiences with meditation. It reminded me of my own experiences of leaving my body. However, I was most intrigued by the great healing possibilities one can develop through spiritual work.

I have always been a fairly healthy person. But that changed in 2007 when I started breaking out in hives every evening. My allergist put me on medications to control my hives so that I could sleep through the night without trying to scratch my skin off and not look like a walking disease in the morning. After I graduated with my master’s and my stress levels decreased, I was able to do away with one of the three medications, but I was still dependent on two of them. Around 2011, my mother began asking how long I would have to take my medications to control my hives. I thought it would be forever since my hives would return when I missed a dose. At her insistence (Thank you, Ma!), I went to a new allergist since we had moved to a different city. He told me there may be more to my hives than previously thought and referred me to an endocrinologist. In 2012 I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I thought the Universe was playing a sick joke on me. I studied endocrinology all through undergrad and grad school and now here I was being diagnosed with a disease of the endocrine system. I failed to see the humor.

My endocrinologist recommended that I be placed on thyroid hormone which is typically what most people with Hashimoto’s are prescribed. I decided to go with Nature-Throid instead of the synthetic Synthroid. Depending on your source, some argue that Synthroid is perfect, others say that Nature-Throid is preferable. Personally, I have done just fine on Nature-Throid. I asked my doctor what would cure my Hashimoto’s because I did not want to be on medications for the rest of my life. The answer was: nothing.

As hackneyed as this may sound, my resolution for 2013 was to lose the excess weight I’ve been carrying around since puberty. I had previously started working out on three separate tries to lose the weight, but life and other responsibilities have always intervened leading to a relapse to bad eating habits and lack of exercise. I was finally sick of it and I decided that 2013 was going to be the year I finally regained my health, Hashimoto’s notwithstanding. I felt the time was right – we were in a new house that had the space for a home gym, and my work scheduled allowed me to work out in the mornings. I was ready!

To be continued…


**Please note: I am not a medical doctor and I am not dispensing medical advice. I am simply relating my personal experiences with disease, medication, and weight loss. If you have questions and concerns regarding your health, please consult your doctor.**

New Beginnings – Part 1

For you to understand my present, I must tell you of my past.

My mother is Catholic and my father is a Jain. They decided to raise me in the Catholic Church and so I was baptized, I took my First Communion, and even went through my Confirmation. However, coming from a home where my parents were different religions exposed me to many ideas outside of Catholicism. Additionally, one cannot grow up in Bombay and be religiously isolated – I had the great fortune of being surrounded by friends from many different religions. I grew up in an environment where people respected the religious differences of friends and religious holidays were celebrated by all – it was a time to get together, eat, drink, and give thanks for family and friends, regardless of religion.

Although I was raised Catholic, even as a child, I didn’t agree with all the teachings of the Church. I would refuse to say parts of the Mass because they just didn’t sit right with me. And yet, I loved singing and so I loved that aspect of Mass. I also enjoyed quiet prayer and meditation, and I briefly considered joining a convent. However, I realized that was not the path for me. As I grew into my teenage years, I was still rather dissatisfied with the Church, but continued to attend Mass partly because of my Mom, but mostly because I loved participating in the choir.

My college years started out tumultuously in the context of religion. I tried making connections with other Catholics through the Newman Center and tried attending services weekly, but my heart wasn’t in it. So I drifted away from the Church but I wasn’t looking for a replacement religion either. I tried talking to a priest about what I was going through, but his answer was to trust in the teachings of the Church and use them as a base to explore other teachings. It sounded rather oxymoronic to me. Freshman year of college, I called it quits and left the Church. Leaving the Church didn’t bring me the absolute peace I thought it would. I was still spiritually lost.

As I went through my academic career in science, I learned quickly that religion and spirituality were not to be taken seriously. If I was to become a scientist, I really shouldn’t dwell on these topics, nor should I discuss them where I may be overheard. Heaven forbid my reputation be damaged by a belief in imaginary beings that can’t be quantified and analyzed! Anyone who broached the topic of spirituality was met with derision. So I kept my inner turmoil to myself. In fact, I buried it so deep that I almost forgot the spiritual aspect of myself.

Leaving the Church left a hole in me. No matter how much I tried to ignore the feelings of loss and uncertainty, they would occasionally bubble to the surface and cause me a lot of anxiety and confusion. Mind you, I never considered myself an atheist. I would sometimes joke that some days I felt like I was an atheist, other days I was still a Catholic, but sometimes I was an agnostic. It was my way of dealing with the hole. I took a class about Women in Eastern Religions. And for a while I embraced Buddhism. But it never really stuck – the hole was now pretty large, and I was tired of trying to fill it. So I continued to ignore it.

By this time I was in the middle of my master’s thesis. I finally met the man who is now my husband. He is a Hindu, a Kashmir Shavite to be specific. My husband has a very strong sense of who he is and of his religious beliefs without ever imposing them on others. I truly admire this aspect of him. I also recognized that this facet of him resembled my parents and their relationship with religion. You can’t be married to someone of a different religion and be overbearing and close minded about other religions! I am supremely thankful for having parents who were so open to the other’s religion. My husband was certainly not bothered by the fact that I was not the same religion as him. When we married, our ceremony was pretty neutral and didn’t mention any specific deity. It was lovely!

After I graduated with my masters, I still felt the void, which was now quite staggering in proportions. I considered Buddhism again and then I considered Wicca, but every time I tried to find a new belief system to fill the hole, it just didn’t fit. I would occasionally consider returning to the Catholic Church, but I didn’t see how returning to a belief system that seemed so very wrong to me, would fix anything. I felt like I would never find something that would make me whole again. So I carried on, me and the hole in my soul.

To be continued…