Well, life doesn’t stand still and I’m happy to say that I am in a much better place now than I was two years ago. I am a strong person, to be sure, but I could not have come this far without my incredibly supportive husband and parents. 2015 was a terribly difficult year for me – both professionally and health-wise. However, through perseverance and, I cannot say this enough, my amazing support system of loved ones and friends, I am so blessed to be where I am now.
I won’t go into the details of my professional trials and tribulations. I will only say that academia does not fully prepare you for the ruthless nature of industry. But here I am!
Still standing.
Still strong.
As Ms. Swift aptly sung, “Haters gonna hate.” Her song was my personal anthem for a good part of 2015. Thank you, Taylor, for your impeccable timing.
My heath also took quite the roller coaster ride in 2015. I injured my wrist and my back. My weight sky rocketed again into the 140 lb range. My diet was abysmal – I was eating gluten and dairy. And at the end of the year, my medication changed due to changes in insurance, based on FDA regulations, which led to my hair falling out and my nails chipping for the first time in my life. (No, I’m not exaggerating: my nails have never chipped before without me doing something like digging around in gravel.) So I was pretty much at my wits end.
In September 2015, I started the hard road back to gluten- and dairy-free eating. I started eating clean. I was in physical therapy for my wrist and back issues. I cannot stress this enough: physical therapy can make all the difference in getting you physically back on track! At the end of August, I started working out again. It felt torturously slow. And I realized that I cannot ever let myself go again. Yes, I can have treats. Yes, I can have high carb days. But I cannot stop working out. I cannot go back to eating gluten and dairy. I just cannot waste another minute on things that will only ruin my body and most likely make old age terribly unpleasant, considering my family health history and my current chronic illnesses. I cannot condemn my future self to that life. And so I made the decision to be the healthiest version of me.
When you have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, the healthiest version of yourself looks drastically different that what I imagined it to be while in my mid 20’s.
In my 20’s, on a typical Saturday I could clean our apartment, help my Mom cook, finish my homework, do a couple of loads of laundry, workout at the dojang for a couple of hours, and still have the energy to hang out with friends at the end of the day.
Now, a typical Saturday involves summoning the will to go grocery shopping. Take a break. Eat a snack. Laundry. Take a break. Do some meal prep for the week. And I’m done. Flat. Out. Done.
I cannot fully convey what it feels like to be an energetic person who could do so many things in one day and not feel exhausted, who has now become a person that gets wiped out by just doing two or three simple household chores. It’s heartbreaking.
However, learning to work within my current limitations and finally start thriving – THAT has been my breakthrough achievement this past year. I have had to learn how to be kind to myself. To be ok with just doing grocery shopping but not dusting the bookshelves. To be ok with just doing laundry but not vacuuming. And that’s where my husband has been a great support to me – he does a great deal of the housework and yardwork that I don’t have the energy to help with. And this is also why I am so incredibly happy to be childfree, because I probably would have collapsed from exhaustion numerous times already if we had kids.
This learning process has been hard for me. But it was either figure out how to manage with what I have, or work myself into the ground. And so, I make my to-do list and try to get the most critical chores done. Anything else on the list is a bonus.
I’m finally ok with that. And showing the same kindness and understanding that I show to others, to myself, has reduced my stress and made me much happier. I do what I can and the rest will get done when it gets done. Because sometimes the smarter choice is sitting in the hammock, listening to the birds chirp while sipping on a cuppa tea.
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